I wish I could have one more time to tell you how much I miss you!

Stethoscopes heaven!

That is my little beauty, my cousin dody, she is 2, and the only person who can make me smile when everything feels like shit!

She was very sick for the past couple of days, fever and so, we had to give her 3 shots of antibiotic :( but she is not much better.

Anyway, she always loves to play with my stethoscope" I am a med student", so to cheer her up, we bought her this set of doctor toys, I am sure you all know them...... She was really happy with them, though you can still see how sick she looks in the pic.


That's another picture of her when she is feeling better!

I love ME!!

More than 32 people have been killed and 90 others wounded in two separate explosions in Baghdad while eight more US soldiers have been reported killed.

Police said at least 10 people were killed and 35 wounded on Tuesday when a car bomb exploded in a busy market in the southwest of the Iraqi capital.

Police sources said the bomb targeted civilians in the mainly Shiite district of Amil.

Earlier in the day, at least 22 people were killed and 55 wounded when a parked minibus exploded in central Baghdad.

The bomb went off in a busy commercial area where many day labourers, mostly Shiite, often wait for work.

Meanwhile, Al Mahdi Army was accused of setting a Sunni mosque and 50 houses on fire.


Hallelujah, thumbs up everyone, you gave us one nice bloody day!!
Is it just me or does it really keep getting better and better??!!!


P.S won't even talk about the the 3 lecturers who were abducted with their English bodyguards, that was a nice one!






Okay, to keep things updated, this month "May" was considered the worst month for American troops in 2 years, a sum of 122 soldiers were announced dead!

On the other hand, for Iraqis, we have 2000 dead, of course you can add another 2000 to get the real picture as more than half of the injured usually die out of incredibly lousy medical care and they are not counted!

YOU FAILED!!

Are we self-destructive creatures?! Is it true that we prefer to sink deep in our fear, hatred, lust and agony?!


I was once accused that I think of all the bad things that could possibly happen, even invent some just to justify the bad feelings I have, to explain to myself why I am miserable!


Mostly true, I know I always think of the worst, maybe because I saw and lived some of the worst of life so when I am happy, I try to always remind myself that the best is NOT yet to come, it is most of the time the WORST is yet to come.... This way I won't get too disappointed when everything turns into a mess..... Pessimistic, I know, but give me one reason that would make me not one!



Sometimes you feel like you just hit the bottom, went down a steep slide without even noticing to find yourself down on the ground, alone with cruel eyes looking at you from above and pointing with their fingers and laughing,"look at that stupid idiot, he didn't notice we were going to push him soon".

You look up and you can't believe that someone you trusted could do this to you, you remember the words of the wise men who told you eldonya mafeehash aman "there is no safety in this world"... you remember that you were once in a situation advising someone else not to trust a human being, even yourself because people change and everyone is looking for their own profit"what's in it for meeeeee??!!"


You are down there covered with your shame and misery thinking how stupid you were and how if you got to get out of this, you will never put yourself under the mercy of anyone!


Now the more stupid thing is that you find one of those who pushed you reaching out for you.... half heartidly, but at least reaching.....
You think for a while.... should I go for it?! I mean how am I to know it is not a trick?! But again, the stupid self centered you ignores all rational thoughts and reaches out for the hand, try to grab it, it's not that easy, you need some more effort.....

gather some of the people who were down there with you, who were thrown by the same people who threw you or by someone else, doesn't really matter.... pile them on top of each other and use them as your "stairway to heaven".... What do you say?! They are your friends??! So what??! Can't you remember a word of what I said?! "What's in it for meeeee??????!!!! me and only me", focus on getting up there dummy!!

So you finally got hold of the hand, it is slippy and not very willing to help you, but in what position are you to start complaining now??!

You are there now after a lot of struggle but you made it, congratulations,
YOU FAILED YOUR FIRST TEST!!


Now see that smile on your saviours face, look harder,memorize it, engrave it in your brain cells, what do you see in it??! Just think and tell me later. Enjoy the warm welcome and the hugs, try to get hold of as much love as you can!


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Ummmm, he is handing you a shovel?! you are scared??! why are you saying so?! remember, he is our saviour, he could have left us there to rot, but he didn't..... Stop being ungrateful, stop whining, just take the damned shovel and do what he is asking you....

He asked you to dig a grave?!! ummm, it's okay, maybe he got something to bury... a pet or a box or even a time capsule..... keep digging, it's just a hole in the ground, he is your saviour, you have to pay your debt, help him to whatever he wants without wondering or asking.

He is not convinced with how deep it got?! He wants it deeper??! Well, what is the difference, a hole is a hole, doesn't matter how deep it is, dig deeper!!!

He is asking you to go down there??!! .........That's weird............. But hey, there has to be a reasonable explanation for it.... Oh oh, he must want to hand you whatever he wants to bury while you are in there, it must be heavy!!


See, you are down there now and nothing bad happened... You have a HUGE trust issue, you should really have some more faith in the human nature!

................................................................................................................................................................... ...........................................................................................................................................................!!

WHAT??! what is this dirt falling over our face?! What's happening?! Why is it getting darker?! Why are we this cold?!!

OH SHUT IT YOU DUMB ASS!! IT'S MY TURN TO TALK!!! I WAS FOLLOWING THE DECISIONS YOU MADE FOR ME ALL ALONG THE ROAD!! IT WAS ALL SUPPOSED TO BE ALRIGHT, WHAT HAPPENED NOW?! WE GOT DUMPED IN A COLD LONELY PLACE YOU JACK ASS MOTHER FUCKER!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO YOU FIRST PLACE YOU STUPID PIG!!

So the other part of you says with its last breaths,"at least we got to see him smile for us once!"

choose!

Sitting on my desk studying, I got this phone call from a friend, nothing serious, just the normal chit -chat, I had a pencil in my hand and some paper in front of me, I started painting this meaningless drawing... I am done with the phone, I found that I have a nice outline, maybe I should finish it..... My mother comes in a while to find me working on it, she asks,"what is that?!"
I said I don't know, it's nothing I guess, so she says your nothing looks good, finish it..... So you find me working on it for a while till I realized that I need to go on studying, I leave it and decide to get back to it later......

Later that night, my parents came out from outside, we sat to have dinner"actually I had dinner alone since they already ate", anyway, I finished dinner and thought I can finish my drawing.Went to my room, got the pencil and the paper and started again...

Now this is not why I am writing now... you see, we got into this discussion about educational system in Egypt!!

I have been to many schools, about 5 plus college, they were all dramatically different in so many ways but the comparison we made was between specific two, the last two actually. I spent 3 years in the first one and 4 in the other...

Now, the first one was very much concerned with external activities and I mean by that sports and art work mainly, it had a large library and play grounds and so on... I can say that I spent the most full years of my life there, I can't remember how many art exhibitions I had, the poetry competitions, the sports tournaments etc.

I was an active child, I have to admit, not every one was like that but my point here is that I actually had the space to be one, I had teachers to guide me and I want to acknowledge that I had one hell of a librarian "Ms Shadia", she was in charge of most of the art activities but she was more of my friend who taught me a lot of things....

So far all seems great, so what is the problem?! The educational level!!
I had a range of 96-97% when it came to my total marks! This was not acceptable for my parents, they wanted THE BEST!

I was going to hi-school by then, and hi-school determines what college you end up in and consequently what future you have!! I was set to be a doctor since I can remember, this meant I had to raise my marks to be able to get to the exact college, actually the exact university they wanted!

To sum all, I was moved to another school...

This one had the perfect record of marks and college applicators, superb teachers and most of all, not anyone can get in there, only the top of the top!!

I got in , and it was almost the complete opposite of the first school, very concerned with stuffing information in your head, very ignorant to the artistic creative part of the child's mind!!

4 years I spent there, always studying, always the top of my class, full marks and very well known among all teachers for being the perfect student "there is no bragging here :P, just stating facts".

4 years I barely had any activity other than studying, barely playing any sports or drawing inside my school.... I had to keep all my activities for the summer, and that means almost not reading a couple of books in 9 months!

I qualified for the college I wanted, I am studying there now!



Now the discussion was: is it acceptable that a child is mind set on a particular aspect of his educational life and neglecting all the others??! Do we put our children in a school that we entrust to develop their minds to find that after 11 years of education, I got a copying machine?!
Does qualifying for a decent college mean that a person has a healthy well developed mind??!
If you got to choose between having one of the previously mentioned schools, what would your choice be??!

In Egypt, most of the parents will go for school number 2, a lot of reasons, I am considerate for some of them, I know it is a tough life we are living, if you don't get to be a doctor or an engineer, you won't get a job "as if doctors an engineers do find jobs that easily", there is nothing like a proud parent watching his kid graduate from a nice college and so on!

But are we really willing to let something like that be inflicted on the brain functions of our children?! A kid is a kid, do you want to deprive him from the sweet and innocent joys of life because you are worried about his graduation??!

I say let'em play, let'em live, don't spoil them or leave them without good education but please stop creating generations of copying machines!! We already have loads of young people who were raised this way and end up depressed because they don't have the creative touch in their lives!

I don't say let us all be Mozart or Chopin, but at least let this child when he grows up be able to look back at his childhood days at school and say I had fun while I was learning, not look back and all he would be able to remember is some frowning faces and piles of books stuffed with information no one cares about!

A friend of mine told me that I should ask if anyone sees other options, so I am open to any comments!

Beautiful day!

so basically, you wake up in the morning, or afternoon, expecting today to be like every other day, you stay in bed with your eyes closed and start listening...... no noises, no one is fighting now, all is good, ummm this must be a great start for the day. you think for a while and decide that today is going to be one of those great great days everyone has every now and then...

So you open your eyes and decide to get out of your bed... you walk to the kitchen, turn on the coffee machine... leave for the bathroom "to do your thing"... go to the kitchen again, pour yourself some black coffee with a spoon and a half of sugar.... you take your mug and go to the living room.......

sit on the couch in front of the TV, hold the remote control and turn it on, switch channels till you get to one of the news channels... SO, considering that this day had a nice start, what is great on the news today??! it is still 2:34 so you have to read the news bar... the sports bar is on... you are waiting for politics while crossing your fingers and wishing to find something that is going to make you happppppyyyy.... maybe the whole occupation of Iraq was one looooong bad dream, that you actually have decent political parties in Egypt, that there is no destruction or war or terror in any place across the globe..... prepare yourself.... the sports bar is at its end............................................................ heck, it's the economy bar now..... Ok Ok no harm done, take a deep breath, watch whatever is on the broadcast at this time till you get your bar.... so let's see, it's a documentary about WW2, not exactly a cheerful thing but hey, who are we to repel our history, it's the wise ones who learn from their history *crap*..... well, you can't do anything else, you have to wait, just drink your coffee, it will calm you down.. take a sip, *ouch* that was HOT, you can't feel your tongue...aaaaaaaahhhh!!!
it is still okay, just run to the kitchen to drink some cold water.... you run to the kitchen to find out that your stupid siblings didn't leave any cold water in the fridge.... CALM FUCKIN DOWN!! just open the freezer and get some ice cubes... heck, your mother isn't keeping any.... heck, heck , heck....... just flush some fuckin water on your stinging tongue and lets get done with it............. finally, some comfort for your poor tongue.

Just go back to your TV.......

GRRRRRHHHHHHH!! YOU MISSED THE BAR !!


sit down please, make yourself comfortable and wait again, don't let some accidents ruin the mood .... you reach with your hand for your coffee just to remember that you can't drink it anymore...... I know, I know, just CALM DOWN!!

here it goes, you finally get your news, see, the waiting wasn't that bad after all...

Cmon, show me the miracle is have been waiting for......

mutual attacks in Lebanon between the army and this armed force with weapons as they say from Syria and support from Palestine!! I don't think this is the miracle I am waiting for.... maybe they put it second.... Israel attacks Gaza stripe again and "..." dead..... nope, that's not it.... some more car bombing in Iraq and over 20 dead....... Ayman Nour is still in jail and they wouldn't allow any required medical care for him.......................................... so on and on and on you are searching for your miracle but you can't find it....
well, what did you expect, the world is not wonderland, things are not solved that easy.

Okay, I'll just leave the world to deal with its problems and mind my own business today, I don't need no more depression, so no more news today, I'll stick to friends and according to Jim!!!





So you go to your room thinking it still can be a nice day on the personal level, who am I to connect the world misery to my personal being, stop this hippy stuff and me and the world are one shit. Get real and don't give a fuck!! This is YOUR day and no one will ruin it for you!!


turn on your laptop, check your mail, search for the e-mail that tells you "you won the lottery" and this time it may be for real!! nah, all crap.... reply to the personal stuff you got , no harm of accepting some new friends on FaceBook or hi5..... check if there are any new stuff on the blogs you usually read.... just hang in the cyber space and try to observe whatever is around you........ Usually, you read the news on the web, whether it is on Yahoo news or the Onion"you get a daily dispatch" or any other news agency that you will come across while you are hanging "there".... A A AAAAA, remember, no news for today, unless you would like to read about Paris Hilton going to jail... hehehe, that alone should make your day :D ........ hold it right there, they cut her sentence into half.... she is going for 22 days instead of 45 ................ FUUUUUUUCK!!
talk JUSTICE... I bet if it was me driving with this shit in my blood, they would have probably hung me in a public square......

Just forget it, it's always been like this and always will be!

look at the bright side, at least you haven't got any bad news yet, none of your friends is dead, in hospital nor in jail... you should be grateful!!

maybe the day is starting to get back on track, put on "it's a beautiful day" for lighthouse family, wear that big smile on your face and rock on!!

Suddenly, you hear that alarm in your head..... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea!!! your MOM is heeeere.
keep on smiling, hey mom, how are you today??! she gives you this suspicious look that she always have on her face when it comes to you...

I am okay..... why don't you ever clean your room??! I would really love to remember the last time I walked into it and found something in place!! why are you always messy??! what are you doing sitting on your laptop now??! who are you talking to??! what are you doing??! kjhfiusgfjsbfjhsgskjhs??! dsfhushfiushfjgfiufg!!!!! sdfkhsufyihrjshfiusdf?!! hdfiu sfhkjshfi ushfsf??!!! hdfhsfhsjfhsiudfhskj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 3ADMAAAAAAAA!! "this word 3adma which means bone has a very nice story, remind me to tell it later, it is a phrase that we use in response to any bad thing that we face in our daily lives... I have to acknowledge my best friend Mino for coming up with it".


turn off this god damned song, you need some peace...... it's quiet again after she left, she had to give you this morning potion or else you won't be in your full mental health......

just leave your laptop and go to your desk, get your books and start studying.
Now that has another looooong story, maybe I'll talk about it later but right now, I have to go mourn and weep about the beginning of my beautiful day....

Now this is my first post on this blog, I have no idea why I made it at all, I am just sitting in my room with my laptop, it's late, I just had an exam this morning so I am not studying today... Again, I don't know why... I guess I have things to say, stuff to delclare, most of the time they matter only to me, other times they may concern other people... I have no idea why anyone would like to read what I write, It is not important and I would not dream of being one of those huge bloggers I read for all the time, they are really amazing !!

now to cut things short, I am writing this for me....

I am a half Iraqi half Egyptian girl living in Cairo, studying medicine, having a pretty much messed up life. This should summarize all.